Tuesday, March 9, 2010


I cant remember the last time I wrote something on my blog instead of on facebook notes, but there seems to be something safe about this for right now. hidden from unwarented eyes...
Surrender is such a hard thing for me. And Im not talking about the type where we say it all day long everyday until it seems to be resolved Im talking about the kind where we actually open our hands and let go of it... Its hard. When something becomes important to me my natural tendancy is to hold it close, let it impact me... then when I am called to surrender it its like releasing a piece of myself. Its hard to see good things go even if there is faith of it coming back around again...
Its like if I am real and honest with myself I suppose there is a bit of doubt and misconception on my part. That God might be with holding something from me... Even though I know that is not the case. I KNOW... but there is still that piece in my heart that needs to believe it. That needs to be made real, and burned in... Which is probably why I am going through this lesson :-P
There is so much in the Bible about the time in between two events. Rebekah leaving her family, but yet not meeting her husband... the Israelites wandering through the desert destined from the promised land, but yet not there... Joseph in the prison cell... so much time spent surrendering... letting go of one thing in hopes that what He has will be so much greater... but also being harshly aware that it might be something other than what was expected. Even as I sit here and type out my sparatic thoughts though I realize that when they let go of something in faith of something good it always came, and it always seemed better than what they expected. Im sure Joseph never expected to be a leader quite like he ended up. Or Ruth at the feet of Boaz... Im sure she never expected that! :) Or any of the faithful in Hebrews 11... Who stepped out of what was "normal" and mediocre and risked their lives simply to walk in the goodness that god had for them.
I want to walk in his goodness. I want to receive the blessings he has for my life... I desire obedience and the joy of knowing I am walking in the path of a sovereign and just God...
But sometimes... the letting go is the hardest part.

Jesus, I loosen my hands from this desire that I hold. I know I seem everyday to pick it back up again and clutch it white knuckled... I know it is just because I am afraid. I am afraid it will never be my turn. I am afraid that you're holding on out on me. Please show me that you do have a future and a hope for my life. that you have a plan... I know you know my desires and I pray that you burn away the ones that are not of you. I want you to be glorified in my life. I pray that you would continually fill me with yourself. That i wouldnt find myself empty in surrender, but that I find myself abounding. Blessed and joyful... I really do love you with all of me... help me to be true to that. I love you. Take this thing from me... and in your time I ask you to give to me what you have for me... I will wait. I will try my hardest to be patient... and when I feel like I cant I pray you would remind me I can. and equip me with the strength of each day to stand in the manner you see worthy. I love you. take all of me...

Saturday, March 29, 2008


The rug is pulled
the dust scatters
like cockroaches fleeing the light
a cold wind
moves across the bare floor
that once hid the secrets of time.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008


Well, I have done what I do best ,once again, I messed things up. I dont understand myself. I dont understand how I do what I do. I dont heed advice, I dont listen to friends, I dont control myself, and then I hurt a lot of people. I am not going to get into the details I just have a few things that I have been challenged with, and so hopefully you can be challenged by them as well.

Everytime I "learn a lesson" I ahve to go through the process of having it burned into my heart. It is like God takes a match and burns away the flesh, and scars my heart with a lesson that has been learned. My problem is that in my zealous efforts I learn the lesson in my head and forget that it will then be burned into my heart, forgetting this fact, I just truck through the next few weeks forgetting the very things that brought me to the lesson in the first place as though I have attained this lesson in life! And then, it will happen I will be thrown back two steps because I did not proceed with caution...

When I mess up it is my usual behavior to cover it up! Quick hide the evidence, lie!!! Do whatever it takes to save yourself and your reputation... whatever you do dont screw anything up! This last week I have learned just to say so... when you mess up just own it! When you sin just admit it! When you fail... Just take the consequences... Not only do you save yourself the stress of trying to cover it up, but then you actually reach the place of forgiving yourself. And even though it sucks for the people involved, you are forgiven by Christ!

It is easy to love superficially. When you dont know someones flaws an weaknesses it is easy to love them. A lot of my friends (I am not saying all) have done just that. See, when someone admits to their faults we need realize a couple of things. We are only good in Christ. We are not capable of anything more that that person! Then however hurt you might be close your eyes and think about how hard it is for a person to bear their sins in front of you... Adam and Eve were so embarassed that they hid themselves! Dont say you love someone and then decide you only love a part of them... Love bears all things... even each others weaknesses...

I say all of this as the person who screwed up! It has sucked... I lost a couple friends... I lost trust... I gained a new perspective of myself, and of my pride. I have gained a new perspective of love... I am one step closer to living in love and grace... and the purging of my flesh as it comes out!

Sorry to those of you involved, and for those of you who aren't well... just keep eveyrthing in your prayers!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The Way to Freedom

Ok, I know I haven't written in ahwile... GASP! I am actually posting something!!!

It has taken me awhile to learn this lesson, and so that is why I have not written. I ahve been wrestling and rolling around with some issues that the Lord has been addressing in my heart.

The past few months I have been struggling. I have struggled with who I am? Why am I here? What is this teaching me? What does the Lord have for me? When I am faced with BIG decisions I learn BIG lessons. Instead of living my life based on the questions I have been wrestling around with I chose to kinda step back and watch other people live life while I prayed through these things. Not that I stopped living... I just decided to be quiet and sit down and just watch.

I noticed some interesting things. I have been stuck in this place of looking at my heart and mourning my sin, being broken before the cross, feeling frustrated at why I just cant be victorious over certain things. It has sucked!

So a few nigths ago I was looking at my wall, and the art that I had drawn. At the foot of my bed is a cross that has all of these things hanging from it... chains, beer bottles, books... a crown... anything that a person could possibly be enslaved to. Then written above it in bold letters is says freedom!

A few things crossed my mind as God poured thoughts into my mind... first, Where are all the people who were in bondage to those things? They are not before the cross... Who is before the cross? I realized that I live my life before the Cross... My worship comes from a place of before the cross... (this might not make sense now, but it will if you keep reading). My communion comes from a place of before the cross... I am before the cross with a lot of other people, and it is before the cross that I seek out my God. But it isnt in looking at the cross that leads me to despair in my own sin. Its when I start looking around and comparing myself with others that I find myself despairing because I am not good and I am not capable!

then I closed my eyes and started praying. The cross was not about me. Jesus did not die for ME... He died because it glorified the Father. the Father's purpose was not for my reward either! It was so that I can glorify Him as well! FREELY! As I was praying God gave me this picture of me holding my herat weeping over myself before the cross... and then all of the people were gone... So i left seeking comfort for myself as I mourned my heart.

I found myself at the tomb... I went inside and yelled out in pain, "WHO AM I?" and the echo of emptiness answered back.... "It doesn't matter..." I did this a few times then I turned and realized where I was... Look at His power! He rose! Look at His willingness! He died! Look at His grace! He was Silent! WHO AM I... I ask.... and He answers... "It doesnt matter! It is all about who I am!"

It is so easy to be stuck in the place before the cross with our heart in our hands... Mourning ourselves. We are so easily stuck on the pursuit of understanding who we are. We are not found at the cross, we are not found in the tomb... we are only found in HIM, because it doesnt matter who we are! Its who HE is... He is not found at the cross... He is not found in the tomb... He is not limited to space... He is alive... seek HIM in everything...

Those chains and bottles and books on the cross on my wall belonged to people who relaized that who they were and the things they were enslaved to didnt matter anymore, because God is so much greater! Thats why I didnt find them standing before the cross mourning their wickedness... they found the tomb and realized that He is alive! and went and sought after His life; they didnt seek after His death... That is the way to freedom.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

no news...

i really just dont have anything to write about... school, cheer, life... same ol same ol...

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Wall art

So life in a dorm can be pretty lame sometimes... ok maybe not for most people! But I seem to have this issue with the fact that I'm never really included. It used to bug me, but lately I just find things to do... I made curtains for my bed... I made a couch cover... I decorate the room, and then this girl on my hall made mention of the fact that we can draw on our walls using washable crayons... I must admit I got really excited! I have nothing else to do, and that sounded fun... so, I got me some washable crayons... and I drew and I drew and I drew... now I'm not at ALL artistic... ask my roommate... I am thrifty and creative, but artistic is a far cry from describing me...
So I just decided to put music on and have fun while I colored... Well this is what came out...

They are kind of hard to see being that I dont have a good camera and the flash kept reflecting off the wall... but the first one is based on the verse Proverbs 4:23 guard your heart with all diligence for out of it spring the issues of life... it is a heart with the crown of thorns guarding it from the strike of the serpent...

The second is a cross that represents John 8:32... which says and you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.... it has different things that people can be in bondage to. The chains, the crown, the books, the bottle.... religion (the necklace)... and the growth at the bototm of the tree represents the fact that life is found at the foot of the cross...

The third is my picture of peace... It represents Genesis 1:31 where God looked down from heaven saw everything that he had made and said, "Indeed it is very good." its a lake with a little sunrise, and a boat with a fishing pole... just peaceful and pretty... I like it!

So, go buy some washable crayons and draw on your walls! it makes for a fun day!

Friday, February 1, 2008

new beginings

So this was the first week of school for the new spring semester. I know that starting over is always hard, because let's face it how many times have I had to start fresh in a new place all over again. I think we decided the average for my life was like 6 months or something.

So, I'm in that place again. I am in a new dorm, new classes, and have some new friends. I am back to the place I am always brought back to where God whispers in my ear, "Just be who I made you to be..." That is my struggle. Being myself. I have come down with a case of massive social anxiety, and the thought of having to say my name in a seeting with more than 4 people makes my herat start to pound! Ironic being that I won so many speech competitions in high school.

Then I find myself back here at my computer sucked into my writings. When I have something to say I just type it up and post it somewhere... Either here or on our hall floor folder; thats funny, because no one knows who the really smart girl is that keeps posting these challenging devotions! :) I like it that way.

Anyway, classes are excellent! I am already itching to get started on them all... I cant wait! Its not just the classes, but my teachers this semester are really into their classes not just as a subject but in the students! I cant wait to see how God moves amonst the people in my classes.

community, it has been a major pull in my life for quite awhile now. If you havent read my ramblings about community go look for them... EVERYONE needs to read them!!! Anyway, I am having a hard time getting into it. It feels already established and like they look at me with eyes that say, "Who is that girl?" And I get stuck with that question in mind... Who am I? Who I am to be to them? Obviously I know I am to be everything Jesus was to us, but am I to be their prophet? Am I to be their Love? Am I to be their thorne in their flesh? what will this year bring me to be to them.

I dont know... but I cant wait to just watch the plans of the Lord unfold before me... I love to see His handy work!