Surrender

I cant remember the last time I wrote something on my blog instead of on facebook notes, but there seems to be something safe about this for right now. hidden from unwarented eyes...
Surrender is such a hard thing for me. And Im not talking about the type where we say it all day long everyday until it seems to be resolved Im talking about the kind where we actually open our hands and let go of it... Its hard. When something becomes important to me my natural tendancy is to hold it close, let it impact me... then when I am called to surrender it its like releasing a piece of myself. Its hard to see good things go even if there is faith of it coming back around again...
Its like if I am real and honest with myself I suppose there is a bit of doubt and misconception on my part. That God might be with holding something from me... Even though I know that is not the case. I KNOW... but there is still that piece in my heart that needs to believe it. That needs to be made real, and burned in... Which is probably why I am going through this lesson :-P
There is so much in the Bible about the time in between two events. Rebekah leaving her family, but yet not meeting her husband... the Israelites wandering through the desert destined from the promised land, but yet not there... Joseph in the prison cell... so much time spent surrendering... letting go of one thing in hopes that what He has will be so much greater... but also being harshly aware that it might be something other than what was expected. Even as I sit here and type out my sparatic thoughts though I realize that when they let go of something in faith of something good it always came, and it always seemed better than what they expected. Im sure Joseph never expected to be a leader quite like he ended up. Or Ruth at the feet of Boaz... Im sure she never expected that! :) Or any of the faithful in Hebrews 11... Who stepped out of what was "normal" and mediocre and risked their lives simply to walk in the goodness that god had for them.
I want to walk in his goodness. I want to receive the blessings he has for my life... I desire obedience and the joy of knowing I am walking in the path of a sovereign and just God...
But sometimes... the letting go is the hardest part.

Jesus, I loosen my hands from this desire that I hold. I know I seem everyday to pick it back up again and clutch it white knuckled... I know it is just because I am afraid. I am afraid it will never be my turn. I am afraid that you're holding on out on me. Please show me that you do have a future and a hope for my life. that you have a plan... I know you know my desires and I pray that you burn away the ones that are not of you. I want you to be glorified in my life. I pray that you would continually fill me with yourself. That i wouldnt find myself empty in surrender, but that I find myself abounding. Blessed and joyful... I really do love you with all of me... help me to be true to that. I love you. Take this thing from me... and in your time I ask you to give to me what you have for me... I will wait. I will try my hardest to be patient... and when I feel like I cant I pray you would remind me I can. and equip me with the strength of each day to stand in the manner you see worthy. I love you. take all of me...