Holding on tightly to a dream that has not been
Desiring the impossible; taking it to the end
Fighting to grab the invisble
Making it my own
Efforts fail endlessly; no hope
The call of surrender rings louder
than any call Ive ever heard
He doesnt command obedience
My child He said Surrender
With hands clenched tightly
To that which cannot be owned
I looked at Him helplessly
my heart ached; alone
Recognizing failure
I fell down on my knees
He touched my heart
and comfort flooded over me
I looked in his eyes
He peired into my soul
Seeing my desire
Yet desiring to make me whole
You cannot create from nothing
that which has not been
Trust me my child
For this will be in the end
I stood in His strength
He held my shoulders
and turned me slowly
to look at what He wanted to show me
everything I had not expected
Better than what I desired it to be
Family is not created
It is given; effortlessly
Monday, December 10, 2007
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
GRRR
There is a loss for words right now. I am disappointed in myself. I hate that there are some things no matter how hard you try and no matter how much effort you put into it for success you just are not meant to do certain things.
And can I just say that I hate how much cheerleading consumes my life sometimes! It's like the order of importance in Jamie's life is God, cheer, school... People must think I am out of my mind cuz who the heck writes blogs about what is going on in cheerleading! No one cause in the end does cheer really matter? I dont think it's even about cheer as much as it is that that's where I pour my efforts. Good, better, best... never let it rest... until your good is better and your better best!
I had myself so ready mentally for tonight. I was going to be more solid than I have ever been... And I got there and I put my foot down like 4 times on my lib... and they tell me I am solid, they got me, they are not moving under me... then why cant I be solid? Why can't I smile when I'm in the air! I feel like I'm only in the air cause Im skinny... I'm just tired of being the one who is not good enough, or still messes up... everyone else is solid... how come Jamie is still wiggleing all over the place? It's like I cant handle the pressure and its not even the pressure from everyone else; it's the pressure from myself. I want to be the best i can be, and I just feel like sometimes no matter how hard I try I can't be good enough!
sigh... I dont know... I dont even really know why I am writing this... maybe just to vent. I piss myself off!
And can I just say that I hate how much cheerleading consumes my life sometimes! It's like the order of importance in Jamie's life is God, cheer, school... People must think I am out of my mind cuz who the heck writes blogs about what is going on in cheerleading! No one cause in the end does cheer really matter? I dont think it's even about cheer as much as it is that that's where I pour my efforts. Good, better, best... never let it rest... until your good is better and your better best!
I had myself so ready mentally for tonight. I was going to be more solid than I have ever been... And I got there and I put my foot down like 4 times on my lib... and they tell me I am solid, they got me, they are not moving under me... then why cant I be solid? Why can't I smile when I'm in the air! I feel like I'm only in the air cause Im skinny... I'm just tired of being the one who is not good enough, or still messes up... everyone else is solid... how come Jamie is still wiggleing all over the place? It's like I cant handle the pressure and its not even the pressure from everyone else; it's the pressure from myself. I want to be the best i can be, and I just feel like sometimes no matter how hard I try I can't be good enough!
sigh... I dont know... I dont even really know why I am writing this... maybe just to vent. I piss myself off!
I love these girls. I think back to the begining of our team... tryouts, how nervous everyone was... then reading the list of girls who made it and having no idea who they were... then coming to camp and spending a week of frustration and sweat with them. Working towards what? no one really knew... we just knew we wanted to be good... So that Jesus would be glorified! and well, we worked our butts off... literally! And we are doing more than I think we ever would have imagined... and the best part... we aren't done yet!
Good Better Best
Never let it rest
Until your good gets better
and your better best!
Let's work it ladies!
Monday, December 3, 2007
consumed
Well, yesterday a good friend of mine made a mistake that has not happened in a long time... she gave me iced tea... the bad part was that it was good iced tea... it was full of ceffeine... so I drank my tea at about 2 pm and at about 2 am I was still kickin full of it! even this morning I could still feel the effects of the stuff! Moral of the story... dont give Jamie caffeine!
anyway, I realized something about myself today. I always find myself in a cycle that leads back to this low point of asking the question who am I? Who am I? I struggle with this overwhelming frustration of not being able to share my story, because I dont know who I am. I dont know what defines me. I can give you all the Bible verses of what defines me; that i am hidden in Christ, that I am complete in Him. but I am being real here when I say that He has given us all gifts and abilities and characteristics that set us apart from one another. So, who am I?
Then i realized something. I have always defined myself by the other people. by my brother, by my parents, by my friends and my teammates. But I am not them. I am, me.
So I guess it flowed over from yesterdays lesson of being the best we can be at what we do. I was thinking about the things I struggle with and how they speak into who I am. because my struggle shows a lot of my heart. I live boldly and love deeply. I sing in the shower. I am adventerous. Why is that so wierd, because those things all have a direct struggle that is attached to them. I am scared of commitment and scared of receiving love, because I am afraid of rejection and being let down. I am scared to sing in the shower because people might insult my praise. I am afraid of the unknown because I might get hurt. Fear is once again holding back all of the things that I so deeply desire.
Satan wraps a rope of fear around each specific that speaks in to who I am. He does not want me to be me, because if I were free to be me, I might have an effect on the people around me, and then I might create change for the kingdom of God, and place praise where praise is due. At the feet of throne of Christ!
My challenge is this. You are hidden Christ, and you are complete in Him, but realize that your life is hidden in Him, that does not mean that when you come to Him you stop living... it means you thrive all the more in who you are knowing that He fills in where you lack. That His strength is made perfect in your weakness...
Satan will lie directly to the areas of our lives where we might be bold and confident to hold us back from accomplishing great things for the kingdom...
Faith is not tame it is raw... It is faith that overcomes the world... 1 John 5:4-5
John the Baptised.. Martin Luther... they were not educated nor crafted or taught how to create necessary change. they had faith... believeing in what was not and stepped out to make it seen... Fiath is to believe in what you can not see the reward for faith is to see what you believe.
AW Tozer was a self taught theologian; raw untamed passion that Christ used for an amazing worldwide impact...
I want that kind of passion... raw and untamed... even to change and impact the life of one person!
anyway, I realized something about myself today. I always find myself in a cycle that leads back to this low point of asking the question who am I? Who am I? I struggle with this overwhelming frustration of not being able to share my story, because I dont know who I am. I dont know what defines me. I can give you all the Bible verses of what defines me; that i am hidden in Christ, that I am complete in Him. but I am being real here when I say that He has given us all gifts and abilities and characteristics that set us apart from one another. So, who am I?
Then i realized something. I have always defined myself by the other people. by my brother, by my parents, by my friends and my teammates. But I am not them. I am, me.
So I guess it flowed over from yesterdays lesson of being the best we can be at what we do. I was thinking about the things I struggle with and how they speak into who I am. because my struggle shows a lot of my heart. I live boldly and love deeply. I sing in the shower. I am adventerous. Why is that so wierd, because those things all have a direct struggle that is attached to them. I am scared of commitment and scared of receiving love, because I am afraid of rejection and being let down. I am scared to sing in the shower because people might insult my praise. I am afraid of the unknown because I might get hurt. Fear is once again holding back all of the things that I so deeply desire.
Satan wraps a rope of fear around each specific that speaks in to who I am. He does not want me to be me, because if I were free to be me, I might have an effect on the people around me, and then I might create change for the kingdom of God, and place praise where praise is due. At the feet of throne of Christ!
My challenge is this. You are hidden Christ, and you are complete in Him, but realize that your life is hidden in Him, that does not mean that when you come to Him you stop living... it means you thrive all the more in who you are knowing that He fills in where you lack. That His strength is made perfect in your weakness...
Satan will lie directly to the areas of our lives where we might be bold and confident to hold us back from accomplishing great things for the kingdom...
Faith is not tame it is raw... It is faith that overcomes the world... 1 John 5:4-5
John the Baptised.. Martin Luther... they were not educated nor crafted or taught how to create necessary change. they had faith... believeing in what was not and stepped out to make it seen... Fiath is to believe in what you can not see the reward for faith is to see what you believe.
AW Tozer was a self taught theologian; raw untamed passion that Christ used for an amazing worldwide impact...
I want that kind of passion... raw and untamed... even to change and impact the life of one person!
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Scattered thoughts
So, as I was sitting here trying to study I am completely distracted... which as you all know is not too difficult to believe for me. :) I am always distracted. Today i am distracted with things that are more burdensome than normal. I am stuck on my lack of excellence.
Not just my lack of excellence, but Christian's in general. When did it become ok to not strive to be the best at what we were doing? To live "normal" lives. If the world, apart from God, strives to make themselves succeed for their own greatness, then why dont we as Christians strive to be excellent to make the greatness of God known?
At a christian University I am taken back by the amount of studying that is done of what other people have studied about the Bible. It goes back so many generations... this person studied from this person who studied from this person... but was it not the holy spirit who gave the original thought and application. Was it not the Holy Spirit who gave the words to write the Bible in the first place?! Do we not have that Holy Spirit inside of us? So, then why do we not make the efforts to pursue Christ in such a way that would drive us to study and read on our own?
This at the moment flows over into my perspective of cheerleading... why am I afraid to be great at something?
Why do I live under a fear of being excellent? Should I not pursue that so that my excellence might be attributed to Christ's power in me?
I don't want to live my life bound by fear. Fear is such a debilitating obsession. it consumes not only what your choices are about situtaions, but who you are in those situations. I am sick of being afraid. I want to be bold. I want to be excellent for the sake of the one who has shown excellence for me.
Not just my lack of excellence, but Christian's in general. When did it become ok to not strive to be the best at what we were doing? To live "normal" lives. If the world, apart from God, strives to make themselves succeed for their own greatness, then why dont we as Christians strive to be excellent to make the greatness of God known?
At a christian University I am taken back by the amount of studying that is done of what other people have studied about the Bible. It goes back so many generations... this person studied from this person who studied from this person... but was it not the holy spirit who gave the original thought and application. Was it not the Holy Spirit who gave the words to write the Bible in the first place?! Do we not have that Holy Spirit inside of us? So, then why do we not make the efforts to pursue Christ in such a way that would drive us to study and read on our own?
This at the moment flows over into my perspective of cheerleading... why am I afraid to be great at something?
Why do I live under a fear of being excellent? Should I not pursue that so that my excellence might be attributed to Christ's power in me?
I don't want to live my life bound by fear. Fear is such a debilitating obsession. it consumes not only what your choices are about situtaions, but who you are in those situations. I am sick of being afraid. I want to be bold. I want to be excellent for the sake of the one who has shown excellence for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)