GRRR

There is a loss for words right now. I am disappointed in myself. I hate that there are some things no matter how hard you try and no matter how much effort you put into it for success you just are not meant to do certain things.
And can I just say that I hate how much cheerleading consumes my life sometimes! It's like the order of importance in Jamie's life is God, cheer, school... People must think I am out of my mind cuz who the heck writes blogs about what is going on in cheerleading! No one cause in the end does cheer really matter? I dont think it's even about cheer as much as it is that that's where I pour my efforts. Good, better, best... never let it rest... until your good is better and your better best!
I had myself so ready mentally for tonight. I was going to be more solid than I have ever been... And I got there and I put my foot down like 4 times on my lib... and they tell me I am solid, they got me, they are not moving under me... then why cant I be solid? Why can't I smile when I'm in the air! I feel like I'm only in the air cause Im skinny... I'm just tired of being the one who is not good enough, or still messes up... everyone else is solid... how come Jamie is still wiggleing all over the place? It's like I cant handle the pressure and its not even the pressure from everyone else; it's the pressure from myself. I want to be the best i can be, and I just feel like sometimes no matter how hard I try I can't be good enough!
sigh... I dont know... I dont even really know why I am writing this... maybe just to vent. I piss myself off!