The Great Breakdown

Life... what is it? where is it found? is it possible to have life, abundant life, and yet not live it?
At the end of 2007 I spent a week away... away from disfunction away from stress... in solitude to an extent. Just what I needed... God spoke so boldly to my heart about my fears, my emotions, my walls, my failures... All the things I denied for so long.
For so many years of my life I stood strong in my pride and my strength, denied my fears and my falling shorts; afraid to fall on my knees in sheer weakness. As I looked at my Bible and the calendar nothing could deny that I was being broken. My fears were real. My strength was nothing. My pride fell down and stood before God alone.
It was if I hid from everything I knew was going on inside of me until I found a safe place to release it all. You would think that in that release there would be freedom, and there was, but there was also more that needed to be released. I am still working through those things.
I look at myself in light of the cross and cringe at my flesh; not even my flesh, I cringe at myself! Why would God pay such a high price for me? Me the one who runs from him? The one who deliberatly turns my face from Him, who chooses death over life willingly... Why would He have chosen me? You can tell me it is simply because He loves me. The creator finds joy in His creation... but my heart breaks inside of me when I admit to myself that I act as if I dont even know Him.
I hear His voice. I KNOW His voice... I feel the pull of His spirit... Is it possible that I know all of things about Him but that I myself have never really known Him? I know my sin I ask for forgiveness, but I have never stood before His cross naked and allowed myself to just stand there and allow Him to heal and touch. Is that possible?
It shakes the deepest part of my soul to think that there is valid truth in what i just wrote, and to write in a place where I know it will be visible to others around me.
I want truth...
I want boldness to admit truth...
To admit the darkest parts of my soul that satan has claimed by fear of rejection...
I want truth...