running shoes

I am a runner, and I dont mean the sense of actually running. I mean I run away. I cant handle intimacy on any level for fear of being hurt. Ironcally that is not only what I seem to need the most. I admitted outloud a few days ago that after four months of living at school, and builder closer relationships with the people around me I dont want to run. The day after I admitted this I was flooded and overwhelmed with fear of failure, fear of being let down, fear of letting people down, probably the most intense letting myself down! Like I did when i was a child I closed my eyes to it. Hoping that in someway it would disappear and I could open them again. It didn't go anywhere. Out of desperation, I suppose, I continually said outloud that I still did not want to run. The intensity of my emotions again overwhelmed me. Then God spoke," This is not the devil doing this to you. It is me. This is not about you not running when you dont want to. This is about showing you what happens when you stay even when you dont want to."
I didnt really know how to answer. I just sat that stunned how could God do this to me?! Now even He was agianst me!!! He spoke again," Jamie you have lived your entire life with me as the anchor of your soul. I have kept you safe, and taught you. I have never neglected your needs. I have not failed you... It's time we face this issue together." I stopped and closed my eyes and prayed right then and there... I prayed something that God allowed me to share with a person brief moments before... when you are fighting stop and pray and ask the Lord where to draw the line in the dirt. when you draw a line in the dirt between you and another person you place them on a side against you, but to stop most fights we simply have to realize that the line is drawn with both of us on the same side. Suddenly I was using this with the Lord. He was on my side and I needed to remember that.
So, once again I find myself wanting to run away from the intimacy of the people around me. but I am trapped. there is no escape from my fear. There is no haven from this storm. Then I thought of Peter. Peter was at a point in his life when he was trapped. He was in the middle of a sea and there was a huge storm, and he was afraid. Then to make things worse he looks out to the water and sees what the disciples believe to be a ghost. So, peter testing the spirit gets out of the boat and walks on water to it! He didn't run from his fear, he faced it. Did that stop the storm? No Peter had to walk through the crashing waves with the Lord at his side before the Lord stopped the storm.
then another person came to mind who wanted. Jonah. Except Jonah actually did run... he didnt get very far, but he ran! the Lord gave both of these men something that was bigger than they were. Something that they both shook in their boots about! Not to stress them out, or to scare them, but to impart a piece of his power in the midst of their weakness.
Moses wanted to run when the Lord called him.... through God's strength Moses led the israelites faithfully, and never even got to enter the promised land!
The Rich young ruler wanted to run... and in his fear of status he left an opportunity to receive an inheritance he could never build for himself.
Jamie Nielsen wants to run... but instead she is going to stand and face her fear.
I am aware that I might fail. I might make a mistake, maybe thats what I need, to see that my mistakes will not drive people away from me.
I guess when all else fails, take up the whole armor of God, and stand!
Lord impart to me a piece of your power that I might better know you as my king, and that I might serve you more faithfully and effectively as my father...