I have been thinking over expectations... You know when you put on your headphones and sit back and just watch... I sat outside on the grass today, partly because I was too sore to move, and partly because I was penssive.
I started think about cheering at the game last night... I have a black eye and bruises all over my leg, and not because we did anything wrong, but the wounds are simply proof that we did everythign right... my backspot gripped my leg so tightly she gave me bruises... when I was caught on the way down i got a fist in my face that gave me a black eye... i got a cut on my wrist because I stayed tight on the way down in my show and go and caught someone's bobby pin... and it clicked... sometimes what is good is not what we expect.
As I layed back and looked up at the sky I started thinking... who would have thought that we use the stars to represent freedom, shoot for the stars we say... but yet in the midst of LA in the midst of a country so controlled by freedom, we have lost sight of the stars... we have become enslaved to freedom itself! sad...
I am going to be bold and type some things on here I must admit I'm not sure I want everyone reading, for once in the life of this blog I am praying that the only people who really read this is Rose and Char... ;)
I had expectations for my life... I had it all planned... and I let go of that when I tried out for cheer here at Biola, and I am happy. I am going to college, something I thought would never happen! I am a flyer on a college cheer team, something I never thought was possible! I am building into community, slowly but strongly... making firm foundations, and I never knew it could be as great as it is!
I met some girls on my floor last night and I let go of my social anxieties and I had a lot of fun... It was like being able to breath again after you choke really hard on something...
I had a picture in my mind of what love would look like... and instead of surrendering it the Jesus I went looking for it... I looked for it for a long time! I fought for it even, but then, I surrendered my expectations and it seems as though love has found me. Not at all what I tohught it would look like. Not at all what I thought it would be, but it makes so much more sense than what I was looking for...
I suppose the Jews missed their messiah because he was not who they expected. I suppose that the slaves freed from the south did not expect that the underground railroad they heard about would be led and established by a woman, or who would have expected Rahab to be involved in the plot siding with the God of the universe. I suppose the outcome was not expected when they split the first atom...
Expectations hold us back from the Bigger things God has in store... sometimes all we have to do is surrender our expectations and watch as God pours out all the things He had in store! Just a thought... what do you think?
Monday, January 21, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
adopt a soldier
Ok, so, my roommate and I have adopted a soldier. We dont have a name or an address yet, but I am really excited. My ex-boyfriend was in the Army and deployed, and I did a pretty good job of sending him what he needed (or wanted mostly). Being so closely connected with so many soldiers myself I know the struggle they face mentally being in such a place. Esp. the soldiers on the front lines. So, if you have a few extra stamps a month I think you should all adopt a soldier and make it a family project... have the kids draw pictures and every other week just drop it in the mail. The best part are those flat rate boxes... whatever you can shove in them you can send for like 8 bucks! so once a month spend 15 bucks on a box and once a week drop a letter in the mail! it will make their day! and if you get a soldier who can write back that is even more amazing, because it become stotally educational! So, Char, Rose, and uhhh any of you Biola students who have a few bucks to spare (and dont pretend like you dont it's like 41 cents to mail something!)... go to www.soldiersangels.com and sign up to recieve your new ministry opportunity!!! ;)
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Revelation of the day!
ok, so today while I was making some disgusting dorm food... you know? Easy Mac?! SICK right? I know I know... well, first of all I didnt know we had a full kitchen down stairs! so on our hall we only have this little counter and a microwave and a sink... well, today while Im making my easy mac something smelled so good, and someone had left their water pot in the sink so I assumed someone made osme instant soup. Then while I was stirring in the cheese and thinking this is so unnatural... I looke to my left, and there on the counter was the most engenious idea I have yet to come across at Biola... A CROCK POT!
HELLO? Someone hand that girl a check for some money, because that is so smart! I mean think about it... you throw your chicken and your veggies in in the morning, and put it on slow cook and come back and you have dinner!!!! And it smelled so good... I wish i wish I could have a good healthy home cooked meal! sigh...
I am buying a crock pot!
HELLO? Someone hand that girl a check for some money, because that is so smart! I mean think about it... you throw your chicken and your veggies in in the morning, and put it on slow cook and come back and you have dinner!!!! And it smelled so good... I wish i wish I could have a good healthy home cooked meal! sigh...
I am buying a crock pot!
in·som·ni·a- /ɪnˈsɒmniə/ [in-som-nee-uh]
Insomnia- inability to obtain sufficient sleep, esp. when chronic; difficulty in falling or staying asleep; sleeplessness...
I have these spells of sleeplessness that seem to take place every week or so. I will become completely exhausted from them, and then sleep really well for 3 days or so, and then return to my insomnia. Even when I believe myself to be getting a good nights sleep I have been informed I do not. Apparently I talk and walk, and even eat in my sleep! and when I do remain in my bed I am consciously thinking even while I am asleep if that is possible. I will sit up every hour or so and check to make sure the clock is still telling me it is the middle of the night and you are still not sleeping.
I thought I slept better than I did until I was in Fresno over Christmas and after a few nights of sleeplessness decided to accept the offer a sleep aid. I woke up nine hours later... I still am in complete disbelief that that is how normal people sleep! I am now serisouly contemplating the idea of using aids to sleep on a regular basis.
I used to be afraid of the night time. The darkness the shadows... I can recall playing too many games of sardines with the big kids, and hearing too many ghost stories on camping trips! However, last night while I was unable to sleep I left my room and went outside to go for a walk in the night air. It was smooth and refreshing (there are not many times a person can say that about the air in Los Angeles). I couldnt help but sigh when I became distracted by a fear of a dark section in the bushes, and then I simply shrugged it off being to tired to even give into the emotion of fear itself. and I just looked to the bush and walked right through it, and then as I stood on the other side I looked back at it, and kind of chuckled to myself... nothing there!
I dont know why i am telling you this, maybe because I am exhausted and wish to sleep but cant help in my bed eyes wide and think. I think too much. I plan too much. I worry too much! I suppose that when things like this very walk take place it gives me a little glimmer of hope that God is making progress in my life. So, I simply share them...
rose since you are the only person who reads these I suppose I should just start writing to you.
I was thinking, as I looked at the pictures of your kids, how long you have known me. Junior high school I believe. We would sit on that front sectional couch and you would have your hair in those two pigtail buns and you would always make sure I was brought back to focus when I started to drift away into ADD land... And I can remember my joy, and my fearlessness... I was happy. I had Jesus and the rest of life could have gone to hell in a hand basket... Where did I go? When did I loose myself, that now I have the greater struggle of reclaiming who I am in Christ...
I suppose that is the source of my insomnia. I am fighting with all of my being to live in Christ. I am glad that that is my struggle. Life in Christ; I suppose it is more of a blessing than anything else when you think about it. Well, sleep well to you all.... I am off to watch the stars shine!
I have these spells of sleeplessness that seem to take place every week or so. I will become completely exhausted from them, and then sleep really well for 3 days or so, and then return to my insomnia. Even when I believe myself to be getting a good nights sleep I have been informed I do not. Apparently I talk and walk, and even eat in my sleep! and when I do remain in my bed I am consciously thinking even while I am asleep if that is possible. I will sit up every hour or so and check to make sure the clock is still telling me it is the middle of the night and you are still not sleeping.
I thought I slept better than I did until I was in Fresno over Christmas and after a few nights of sleeplessness decided to accept the offer a sleep aid. I woke up nine hours later... I still am in complete disbelief that that is how normal people sleep! I am now serisouly contemplating the idea of using aids to sleep on a regular basis.
I used to be afraid of the night time. The darkness the shadows... I can recall playing too many games of sardines with the big kids, and hearing too many ghost stories on camping trips! However, last night while I was unable to sleep I left my room and went outside to go for a walk in the night air. It was smooth and refreshing (there are not many times a person can say that about the air in Los Angeles). I couldnt help but sigh when I became distracted by a fear of a dark section in the bushes, and then I simply shrugged it off being to tired to even give into the emotion of fear itself. and I just looked to the bush and walked right through it, and then as I stood on the other side I looked back at it, and kind of chuckled to myself... nothing there!
I dont know why i am telling you this, maybe because I am exhausted and wish to sleep but cant help in my bed eyes wide and think. I think too much. I plan too much. I worry too much! I suppose that when things like this very walk take place it gives me a little glimmer of hope that God is making progress in my life. So, I simply share them...
rose since you are the only person who reads these I suppose I should just start writing to you.
I was thinking, as I looked at the pictures of your kids, how long you have known me. Junior high school I believe. We would sit on that front sectional couch and you would have your hair in those two pigtail buns and you would always make sure I was brought back to focus when I started to drift away into ADD land... And I can remember my joy, and my fearlessness... I was happy. I had Jesus and the rest of life could have gone to hell in a hand basket... Where did I go? When did I loose myself, that now I have the greater struggle of reclaiming who I am in Christ...
I suppose that is the source of my insomnia. I am fighting with all of my being to live in Christ. I am glad that that is my struggle. Life in Christ; I suppose it is more of a blessing than anything else when you think about it. Well, sleep well to you all.... I am off to watch the stars shine!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
just thoughts...
I read over my multiple blogs a day, and can only see a testimony of the amount of free time I have on my hands. That expression, free time, it’s sad to me. The word time in today’s society represents something we have become enslaved to. I look at society around me, and in my desperate plea for community, realize it has been lost with our enslavement to time. We are enslaved to money, because it makes the world go round, and without it we believe we cannot survive. We are enslaved to titles and appearance… Success screams out to us with its demands. We stop our busy schedule to go to church on Sunday morning, and engage in an hour or so service that draws us back to the Almighty one, and offers us peace. Yet Monday morning we awake to the call of the alarm clock the ringing of the phone with it’s demands. But why? What are we laboring for? I have been so caught up in getting myself ahead I have forgotten that the people around me are not just faces, but souls.
I sat across the table from the mother of one of the children I tutor. After an assessment of her child had to bear the bad news that her daughter was farther behind than we expected. I had a peace about it. After all, I reassured her, that in time we would get her caught up. I looked into the eyes of the woman and God spoke to my heart, do not speak to her mind, speak to her soul. I looked down quickly, mildly embarrassed that I had forgotten she was my ministry in that moment, and looked back up into her gaze and with much assurance said, after all, god did not place these expectations on her, the school system did, so we will teach her with her heart, and not just the books…
I once lived a life without anything. I look back and see how stressed I should have been, but yet how God provided at every turn of my life exactly what I needed in each moment. I was at peace. My pace was a slow pace because it was lived in the rhythm that God had set before me.
I suppose that for some the rhythm God has set for them is one of a fast paced life; where stress does not affect them, where they are at peace in the midst of chaos. I also suppose that this is why I am a burden bearer, I see stress and want to help alleviate the pressure that the standards of the world have placed on the individual.
When I was in the Philippines there was a house that we visited often. It was a rich family with three kids; their names I do not remember. However, the father of this household was a leader in the community, perhaps of the government I don’t recall the exact status of his family standings. The house was always stressful as a matter of fact I can recall taking a big breath before entering and thinking silently to myself here we go… It was as if he thought that stress made him appear to be more important and needed, and after all isn’t that what validates a person, being needed? On the third floor of the house however, there lived three children. It was not until my second visit that I excused myself to go see where all the laughter was coming from. As I opened the door at the top of the stairs I startled three children rather greatly! They all quickly stood to their feet looking down at the floor out of respect. I looked over two little girls and one little boy. The youngest of them, a girl, looked up at me with curiosity; why had I come upstairs? She smiled at me, as I quietly laughed. In that very moment I was pulled into the biggest pillow fight I had ever been in. Laughs rang out until we were all too tired to laugh anymore.
As we all laid on the floor breathing deeply the oldest girl spoke up, “Our nanny has the night away on Tuesdays” she said. “Which is why we play here, we are not to get along with the adults.”
“Why is that?” I aksed her.
“Tatay says we can make it hard for people to focus on his words.”
“Do you think His words are so important?” I asked the girl.
She looked at her brother for a little help with the answer to what could have come across as a tricky question.
The boy spoke quietly, “We don’t believe his words.”
I didn’t really say anything just looked back into the eyes of three children who had been sent to the third story of their house so as not to be a distraction. In the eyes of those children that man had failed to be all he said he was, and so they did not believe him at his words, sad.
What was more important? That that man provide in excess for his family? That he kept up all his business relationships? Or the three little kids up stairs who had lived with the man their whole life, and only learned not to trust him?
This is not an attempt to enlighten a person on family, because family is only part of the picture. But what of the woman who serves you at the grocery store? Or the delivery boy who delivers your pizza? What of the baby sitter who you entrust the lives of your children to? (that was a loaded question). Does it only matter the amount of time we study for an exam? Or the grade we receive for our efforts in a certain class? Does it matter that we give 110% of ourselves in our work that we might be the best for the Glory of the Lord, but fail to see the people around us that need community?
Community is not just about us receiving, but about us giving back into it. For once, open your door, and realize you have something to give back to community. More than your business and your finances. More than your intellect and your efforts. You have a soul that has been touched by Jesus Christ; a powerful touch at that. Open your door and touch others… See the joy that comes when you understand the laughter at the top of the stairs. Life is not defined by titles or social status, but by the touch with which you have been touched with, and with which you touch others. Impact.
I sat across the table from the mother of one of the children I tutor. After an assessment of her child had to bear the bad news that her daughter was farther behind than we expected. I had a peace about it. After all, I reassured her, that in time we would get her caught up. I looked into the eyes of the woman and God spoke to my heart, do not speak to her mind, speak to her soul. I looked down quickly, mildly embarrassed that I had forgotten she was my ministry in that moment, and looked back up into her gaze and with much assurance said, after all, god did not place these expectations on her, the school system did, so we will teach her with her heart, and not just the books…
I once lived a life without anything. I look back and see how stressed I should have been, but yet how God provided at every turn of my life exactly what I needed in each moment. I was at peace. My pace was a slow pace because it was lived in the rhythm that God had set before me.
I suppose that for some the rhythm God has set for them is one of a fast paced life; where stress does not affect them, where they are at peace in the midst of chaos. I also suppose that this is why I am a burden bearer, I see stress and want to help alleviate the pressure that the standards of the world have placed on the individual.
When I was in the Philippines there was a house that we visited often. It was a rich family with three kids; their names I do not remember. However, the father of this household was a leader in the community, perhaps of the government I don’t recall the exact status of his family standings. The house was always stressful as a matter of fact I can recall taking a big breath before entering and thinking silently to myself here we go… It was as if he thought that stress made him appear to be more important and needed, and after all isn’t that what validates a person, being needed? On the third floor of the house however, there lived three children. It was not until my second visit that I excused myself to go see where all the laughter was coming from. As I opened the door at the top of the stairs I startled three children rather greatly! They all quickly stood to their feet looking down at the floor out of respect. I looked over two little girls and one little boy. The youngest of them, a girl, looked up at me with curiosity; why had I come upstairs? She smiled at me, as I quietly laughed. In that very moment I was pulled into the biggest pillow fight I had ever been in. Laughs rang out until we were all too tired to laugh anymore.
As we all laid on the floor breathing deeply the oldest girl spoke up, “Our nanny has the night away on Tuesdays” she said. “Which is why we play here, we are not to get along with the adults.”
“Why is that?” I aksed her.
“Tatay says we can make it hard for people to focus on his words.”
“Do you think His words are so important?” I asked the girl.
She looked at her brother for a little help with the answer to what could have come across as a tricky question.
The boy spoke quietly, “We don’t believe his words.”
I didn’t really say anything just looked back into the eyes of three children who had been sent to the third story of their house so as not to be a distraction. In the eyes of those children that man had failed to be all he said he was, and so they did not believe him at his words, sad.
What was more important? That that man provide in excess for his family? That he kept up all his business relationships? Or the three little kids up stairs who had lived with the man their whole life, and only learned not to trust him?
This is not an attempt to enlighten a person on family, because family is only part of the picture. But what of the woman who serves you at the grocery store? Or the delivery boy who delivers your pizza? What of the baby sitter who you entrust the lives of your children to? (that was a loaded question). Does it only matter the amount of time we study for an exam? Or the grade we receive for our efforts in a certain class? Does it matter that we give 110% of ourselves in our work that we might be the best for the Glory of the Lord, but fail to see the people around us that need community?
Community is not just about us receiving, but about us giving back into it. For once, open your door, and realize you have something to give back to community. More than your business and your finances. More than your intellect and your efforts. You have a soul that has been touched by Jesus Christ; a powerful touch at that. Open your door and touch others… See the joy that comes when you understand the laughter at the top of the stairs. Life is not defined by titles or social status, but by the touch with which you have been touched with, and with which you touch others. Impact.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Why God is... well... God
So, tonight I went to church (which ironically has become a fear of mine) I went to church alone... I didnt think about it. I just got online and found a service. I got dressed. I got in my car and drove there... So many times on the way I thought I shouldnt go. I should just go home. When I got there no one was engaged in worship, and I thought this is not for me... I should just leave, but something drug me to church and so I must have been there for a reason... Then the pastor stood up, and I thought this is so commercialized I should just go... He prayed... Empty words? and I asked the Lord, Why cant he just talk to you like a person without the show Lord... why did you bring me here?! He put a peace over me, and whispered, "shhh, just listen..." Music started playing and a video flashed across the screen... names of hereos... names of Courageous Bible characters that changed the world... Rahab, Joshua, David, Paul...names of historical figures who had a great impact on society... Martin Luther, Anne Frank, Martin Luther King Jr...
My heart jumped with excitement... I want to be like that...
Then a quote appeared on the screen... "Courage is not just one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at it's testing point." C.S. Lewis
Then another "Courage is contagious. When a brave man takes a stand, the spines of others are often stiffened." Billy Graham
then one more... "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." Ambrose Redmoon
On the edge of my seat I was excited for what this service was going to be about, then I saw that word... the word that rings deep in my heart; fear. I sat back quickly! The pastor prayed again, and had us all open our Bible to Joshua. Ironically just as we all turned there he let out a sigh and told us to close them. With to the point, very direct words he humorously put us in Joshua's place. Moses' eduaction, his time in the courts of Pharoah, His pleas with Pharoah himself... Who could fill the shoes of such an amazing leader... Then God points to Joshua... I won't sum up the whole sermon for you, but I will hit the main points.
FEAR: F-False E-Evidence A-Appearing R-Real
Fears are mental... 90% of our fears will never happen! Courage acts in spite of fear... When God told Joshua to send the Ark of the Covenant into the Jordan before the people, Fear said this is not a smart plan, not only are we going to loose people in that river we are going to loose the most important thing we have in that river!
When God told Joshua to march around Jericho 13 times total and blow horns at the wall... Fear said, this is not a smart plan... they are going to stone us from the tops of the wall... Only after they mock us for six days! I learned about the construction of Jericho... The walls were not supported other than by the house that were built right up againt them on the inside of the wall... So, was it the blows of the trumpets that brought the walls down? What if you put a whole city on top of those walls and have them crowd and push to the outside to see what was goin on down below? Maybe to have them mock and throw things at the people down there? Were their weight cause the unsupported walls to crash down to the outside? Probably so!
So many times in life, We look at the situtaion, and try to make a good plan. something reasonable that fits and makes sense, but God says, MMM Try this! and we look up at Him, and with the intensity of an ant through our fist up and tell Him He is crazy! We know better...
All of our rebellion is out of fear... it is out of False Evidence that Appears to be Real. We think we know...
What do we really have to fear? With an all-knowing God. With an all-powerful God. With an eternal God. With a loving God... What do we really have to fear?
Joshua 1:9... go look it up! and know that THAT is the truth of our reality!
My heart jumped with excitement... I want to be like that...
Then a quote appeared on the screen... "Courage is not just one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at it's testing point." C.S. Lewis
Then another "Courage is contagious. When a brave man takes a stand, the spines of others are often stiffened." Billy Graham
then one more... "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." Ambrose Redmoon
On the edge of my seat I was excited for what this service was going to be about, then I saw that word... the word that rings deep in my heart; fear. I sat back quickly! The pastor prayed again, and had us all open our Bible to Joshua. Ironically just as we all turned there he let out a sigh and told us to close them. With to the point, very direct words he humorously put us in Joshua's place. Moses' eduaction, his time in the courts of Pharoah, His pleas with Pharoah himself... Who could fill the shoes of such an amazing leader... Then God points to Joshua... I won't sum up the whole sermon for you, but I will hit the main points.
FEAR: F-False E-Evidence A-Appearing R-Real
Fears are mental... 90% of our fears will never happen! Courage acts in spite of fear... When God told Joshua to send the Ark of the Covenant into the Jordan before the people, Fear said this is not a smart plan, not only are we going to loose people in that river we are going to loose the most important thing we have in that river!
When God told Joshua to march around Jericho 13 times total and blow horns at the wall... Fear said, this is not a smart plan... they are going to stone us from the tops of the wall... Only after they mock us for six days! I learned about the construction of Jericho... The walls were not supported other than by the house that were built right up againt them on the inside of the wall... So, was it the blows of the trumpets that brought the walls down? What if you put a whole city on top of those walls and have them crowd and push to the outside to see what was goin on down below? Maybe to have them mock and throw things at the people down there? Were their weight cause the unsupported walls to crash down to the outside? Probably so!
So many times in life, We look at the situtaion, and try to make a good plan. something reasonable that fits and makes sense, but God says, MMM Try this! and we look up at Him, and with the intensity of an ant through our fist up and tell Him He is crazy! We know better...
All of our rebellion is out of fear... it is out of False Evidence that Appears to be Real. We think we know...
What do we really have to fear? With an all-knowing God. With an all-powerful God. With an eternal God. With a loving God... What do we really have to fear?
Joshua 1:9... go look it up! and know that THAT is the truth of our reality!
the Mark of The Lion
Ok, so first let me start by saying DONT TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS! I"M NOT FINISHED YET!!!
I started reading the Mark of the Lion series over Christmas... I was sucked in and pretty much had my nose in the book the whole week! I am on book two now... chapter 13... But it was only last night I realized something... Lame that it took me this long, but I realized why the series was called the mark of the lion... like I said lame I know!
I am so sucked into it though... if you havent read it... READ IT... if you are a mother of small children... find a babysitter for a week before you start!
Ok, on another note. I hate living in the hub of Southern California... There is no escape! I think to myself I want to go for a walk through nature alone and just enjoy what God has given me, and spend some time with him... first struggle, CRAP, I have to go find nature... Second, when you do find nature EVERYONE is there... This is January people... who goes to the beach? I mean its cold outside! I just wanted to sit on the shore and watch the waves... but I ended up sitting on the shore watching this massivly obeese woman with her three kids in the water... so I laid back and closed my eyes... then I realized wait! I came to enjoy the scenery! sigh... so lame!
I started reading the Mark of the Lion series over Christmas... I was sucked in and pretty much had my nose in the book the whole week! I am on book two now... chapter 13... But it was only last night I realized something... Lame that it took me this long, but I realized why the series was called the mark of the lion... like I said lame I know!
I am so sucked into it though... if you havent read it... READ IT... if you are a mother of small children... find a babysitter for a week before you start!
Ok, on another note. I hate living in the hub of Southern California... There is no escape! I think to myself I want to go for a walk through nature alone and just enjoy what God has given me, and spend some time with him... first struggle, CRAP, I have to go find nature... Second, when you do find nature EVERYONE is there... This is January people... who goes to the beach? I mean its cold outside! I just wanted to sit on the shore and watch the waves... but I ended up sitting on the shore watching this massivly obeese woman with her three kids in the water... so I laid back and closed my eyes... then I realized wait! I came to enjoy the scenery! sigh... so lame!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Connecting
So there is this book that I have been reading a few chapters at a time cause its not mine its my friends, so I only get to read it when Im over there...
Anyway, it's called connecting. It basically takes a claim that most of our issues in life could be solved through community. Ironically as I was reading I realized two things; Community is what I need! Second, Community is what I am scared of the most!
But I fully have enjoyed this book so far. So many times as Christians we come across someone who is lonely or depressed or struggling with sin and we give them the typical CHristian answer I'll pray for you. But then what?! Nothing... we just ask how they are when we see them, because we have become so caught up in the business of the world around us we have no community anymore! No wonder sin reigns so boldly in our lives... without connecting we loose accountabilit... Not the righteous accountability that lives out of righteous works but the natural knowledge of the other persons deepest soul... that kind of accountability. We wonder why widows can not be comforted and why evangelism is so difficult now a days... without community and connections we can not fully care for the widow... we have no safe fold to bring a non christian into and watch as they begin to connect to us in a way we can lead them to Christ.
This community is NOT the church as a whole... its smaller groups of people that go through life together... that live the necessary walk daily and connect.
Jesus thought it so important he put the command me as commandment number two! Love your neighbor as yourself... If we are real with ourselves we will see that our desire is not to be left alone. It is to recah out and connect and be connected with... that is what the world needs! Love... unconditional love, not this I'll pray for you passive love!
So, then why would I be so afraid of it? Well, first I recognize that at one point I was a part of community, but in my sin I hurt that very community. and when I thought of all people who ought to know how to forgive they ought to know how to forgive right? Christians who have themselves been forgiven. So, I was open and honest about my sin, and I received back an unpleasent respones. One that yelled at my face and told me how very wreched I was; as if I was unaware... One that, to say the least, sent me back out of community. But if community is established for the purpose of connecting, unconditional love, and true growth than it ought to be the safest place to admit sin and seek forgiveness and recognize that in each of us there is a desire to grow... In that we would be free to forgive. That is what community ought to be...
I am very much ranting right now, and totally ready to step off my soap box!
I am going to start praying for this kind of community!
Anyway, it's called connecting. It basically takes a claim that most of our issues in life could be solved through community. Ironically as I was reading I realized two things; Community is what I need! Second, Community is what I am scared of the most!
But I fully have enjoyed this book so far. So many times as Christians we come across someone who is lonely or depressed or struggling with sin and we give them the typical CHristian answer I'll pray for you. But then what?! Nothing... we just ask how they are when we see them, because we have become so caught up in the business of the world around us we have no community anymore! No wonder sin reigns so boldly in our lives... without connecting we loose accountabilit... Not the righteous accountability that lives out of righteous works but the natural knowledge of the other persons deepest soul... that kind of accountability. We wonder why widows can not be comforted and why evangelism is so difficult now a days... without community and connections we can not fully care for the widow... we have no safe fold to bring a non christian into and watch as they begin to connect to us in a way we can lead them to Christ.
This community is NOT the church as a whole... its smaller groups of people that go through life together... that live the necessary walk daily and connect.
Jesus thought it so important he put the command me as commandment number two! Love your neighbor as yourself... If we are real with ourselves we will see that our desire is not to be left alone. It is to recah out and connect and be connected with... that is what the world needs! Love... unconditional love, not this I'll pray for you passive love!
So, then why would I be so afraid of it? Well, first I recognize that at one point I was a part of community, but in my sin I hurt that very community. and when I thought of all people who ought to know how to forgive they ought to know how to forgive right? Christians who have themselves been forgiven. So, I was open and honest about my sin, and I received back an unpleasent respones. One that yelled at my face and told me how very wreched I was; as if I was unaware... One that, to say the least, sent me back out of community. But if community is established for the purpose of connecting, unconditional love, and true growth than it ought to be the safest place to admit sin and seek forgiveness and recognize that in each of us there is a desire to grow... In that we would be free to forgive. That is what community ought to be...
I am very much ranting right now, and totally ready to step off my soap box!
I am going to start praying for this kind of community!
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
The Great Breakdown
Life... what is it? where is it found? is it possible to have life, abundant life, and yet not live it?
At the end of 2007 I spent a week away... away from disfunction away from stress... in solitude to an extent. Just what I needed... God spoke so boldly to my heart about my fears, my emotions, my walls, my failures... All the things I denied for so long.
For so many years of my life I stood strong in my pride and my strength, denied my fears and my falling shorts; afraid to fall on my knees in sheer weakness. As I looked at my Bible and the calendar nothing could deny that I was being broken. My fears were real. My strength was nothing. My pride fell down and stood before God alone.
It was if I hid from everything I knew was going on inside of me until I found a safe place to release it all. You would think that in that release there would be freedom, and there was, but there was also more that needed to be released. I am still working through those things.
I look at myself in light of the cross and cringe at my flesh; not even my flesh, I cringe at myself! Why would God pay such a high price for me? Me the one who runs from him? The one who deliberatly turns my face from Him, who chooses death over life willingly... Why would He have chosen me? You can tell me it is simply because He loves me. The creator finds joy in His creation... but my heart breaks inside of me when I admit to myself that I act as if I dont even know Him.
I hear His voice. I KNOW His voice... I feel the pull of His spirit... Is it possible that I know all of things about Him but that I myself have never really known Him? I know my sin I ask for forgiveness, but I have never stood before His cross naked and allowed myself to just stand there and allow Him to heal and touch. Is that possible?
It shakes the deepest part of my soul to think that there is valid truth in what i just wrote, and to write in a place where I know it will be visible to others around me.
I want truth...
I want boldness to admit truth...
To admit the darkest parts of my soul that satan has claimed by fear of rejection...
I want truth...
At the end of 2007 I spent a week away... away from disfunction away from stress... in solitude to an extent. Just what I needed... God spoke so boldly to my heart about my fears, my emotions, my walls, my failures... All the things I denied for so long.
For so many years of my life I stood strong in my pride and my strength, denied my fears and my falling shorts; afraid to fall on my knees in sheer weakness. As I looked at my Bible and the calendar nothing could deny that I was being broken. My fears were real. My strength was nothing. My pride fell down and stood before God alone.
It was if I hid from everything I knew was going on inside of me until I found a safe place to release it all. You would think that in that release there would be freedom, and there was, but there was also more that needed to be released. I am still working through those things.
I look at myself in light of the cross and cringe at my flesh; not even my flesh, I cringe at myself! Why would God pay such a high price for me? Me the one who runs from him? The one who deliberatly turns my face from Him, who chooses death over life willingly... Why would He have chosen me? You can tell me it is simply because He loves me. The creator finds joy in His creation... but my heart breaks inside of me when I admit to myself that I act as if I dont even know Him.
I hear His voice. I KNOW His voice... I feel the pull of His spirit... Is it possible that I know all of things about Him but that I myself have never really known Him? I know my sin I ask for forgiveness, but I have never stood before His cross naked and allowed myself to just stand there and allow Him to heal and touch. Is that possible?
It shakes the deepest part of my soul to think that there is valid truth in what i just wrote, and to write in a place where I know it will be visible to others around me.
I want truth...
I want boldness to admit truth...
To admit the darkest parts of my soul that satan has claimed by fear of rejection...
I want truth...
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