I have gone back and forth on what to choose as my major course of study throughout my time at Biola. The problem is that I don't know what I want to do. It is begining to become a bit clearer. I spent the sum of my time directly out of high school learning first hand the concept that God can use an uneducated person. So, I suppose this relates to my previous dream of starting an orphanage. While I am not sure what exactly is to become of this dream I am certain that God can accomplish this apart from my education. I am not sure if this dream has been put to death or just laid to slumber. when I see the faces of the children my heart still breaks. However, God has made one thing clear... He is faithful to them apart from me. He does not need me.
The second option for my major was english with an emphasis on writing. I enjoy writing; I love stories. I fear that if I studied this I would no longer enjoy the past time. That what was once a pleasure will become work. I dread the thought of loosing a passion to a demand.
I do know however, that writing has been something I have also dreamed of. I suppose I dream of a lot of things. Perhaps I am one who can attend university for the rest of my life. I never want to stop learning. I wish not only to write, but be able to write my own work in multiple languages. Not for the title nor the accomplishment... While the blood of a martyr affects the generation at hand it is the telling of the story that keeps the very passion of the martyr alive and therefore affecting the generations to come, forever. I wish to affect each generation in a passionate way. That my writing might have cause. That the cause for which I write might create an affect that resounds for eternity.
So, I suppose that I have decided what I want to study. Hm, go figure.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
blah...
Today was kind of a blah day... I suppose that all of you know the kind of day i am talking about. I didn't sleep well last night, and so I'm sure that affected the rest of my day. Then this afternoon I attempted to take a nap and that made it worse! It felt like Finals week all over again!
So while I was awake the Lord was dealing with me on a couple issues that apparently need to be addressed. However, I cannot identify what exactly those issues are. I hate it when I hear His voice and know what He is saying, but dont exactly know how to identify where it is applicable. I wrote down some verses that He gave me, but just have scattered thoughts about them.
My issue at the moment is that I just dont believe the promises. I dont believe what other people say to me either. Like it's just not real. It just wont last... you know?
I suppose the truth be that I believe the lies, and the truth seems to get stuck somewhere between my head and my heart.
So while I was awake the Lord was dealing with me on a couple issues that apparently need to be addressed. However, I cannot identify what exactly those issues are. I hate it when I hear His voice and know what He is saying, but dont exactly know how to identify where it is applicable. I wrote down some verses that He gave me, but just have scattered thoughts about them.
My issue at the moment is that I just dont believe the promises. I dont believe what other people say to me either. Like it's just not real. It just wont last... you know?
I suppose the truth be that I believe the lies, and the truth seems to get stuck somewhere between my head and my heart.
Monday, December 17, 2007
enchanted
So, I just saw the movie Enchanted... it was AMAZING! I laughed my head off... Totally cheezy but perfect for a drama geek like myself. However, It left me thinking... do dreams really come true? Is there really a "prince charming" out there for me? I seem to be the one who does not believe in happy endings but only for myself. you know? like they seem to work out for everyone else... maybe its juts cause Im not to the end yet?
We shall see again!
We shall see again!
Letting go
Letting go seems to be a pattern that I have weitnessed throughout the last few weeks. I have seen people loose family to cancer, loose children to car accidents and loose friends. I have experienced it myself.
The hardest story of them all most recently was the loss of my good friends dad. I didn't know him, but I know I prayed hard for him. Now the struggle is watching her let go. Her dad was a christian and is with the Father in heaven, but the process of letting go for those of us down here is hard.
Heart ache is such a real thing. It has a lasting effect that seems to fade but never fully go away. It is something that is experienced but doesnt ever seem to be understood. It cuts deep.
I'm not sure what I am going to be faced with to let go, but I know that something is definentally coming. God has given me lesson over lesson to watch and to listen to His heart about letting go. Which usually means that my turn is coming. So, Im preparing. praying that my heart will be softened. not that I am going to loose someone but for sure that I am going to be called to let go.
We shall wait and see! :)
The hardest story of them all most recently was the loss of my good friends dad. I didn't know him, but I know I prayed hard for him. Now the struggle is watching her let go. Her dad was a christian and is with the Father in heaven, but the process of letting go for those of us down here is hard.
Heart ache is such a real thing. It has a lasting effect that seems to fade but never fully go away. It is something that is experienced but doesnt ever seem to be understood. It cuts deep.
I'm not sure what I am going to be faced with to let go, but I know that something is definentally coming. God has given me lesson over lesson to watch and to listen to His heart about letting go. Which usually means that my turn is coming. So, Im preparing. praying that my heart will be softened. not that I am going to loose someone but for sure that I am going to be called to let go.
We shall wait and see! :)
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
running shoes
I am a runner, and I dont mean the sense of actually running. I mean I run away. I cant handle intimacy on any level for fear of being hurt. Ironcally that is not only what I seem to need the most. I admitted outloud a few days ago that after four months of living at school, and builder closer relationships with the people around me I dont want to run. The day after I admitted this I was flooded and overwhelmed with fear of failure, fear of being let down, fear of letting people down, probably the most intense letting myself down! Like I did when i was a child I closed my eyes to it. Hoping that in someway it would disappear and I could open them again. It didn't go anywhere. Out of desperation, I suppose, I continually said outloud that I still did not want to run. The intensity of my emotions again overwhelmed me. Then God spoke," This is not the devil doing this to you. It is me. This is not about you not running when you dont want to. This is about showing you what happens when you stay even when you dont want to."
I didnt really know how to answer. I just sat that stunned how could God do this to me?! Now even He was agianst me!!! He spoke again," Jamie you have lived your entire life with me as the anchor of your soul. I have kept you safe, and taught you. I have never neglected your needs. I have not failed you... It's time we face this issue together." I stopped and closed my eyes and prayed right then and there... I prayed something that God allowed me to share with a person brief moments before... when you are fighting stop and pray and ask the Lord where to draw the line in the dirt. when you draw a line in the dirt between you and another person you place them on a side against you, but to stop most fights we simply have to realize that the line is drawn with both of us on the same side. Suddenly I was using this with the Lord. He was on my side and I needed to remember that.
So, once again I find myself wanting to run away from the intimacy of the people around me. but I am trapped. there is no escape from my fear. There is no haven from this storm. Then I thought of Peter. Peter was at a point in his life when he was trapped. He was in the middle of a sea and there was a huge storm, and he was afraid. Then to make things worse he looks out to the water and sees what the disciples believe to be a ghost. So, peter testing the spirit gets out of the boat and walks on water to it! He didn't run from his fear, he faced it. Did that stop the storm? No Peter had to walk through the crashing waves with the Lord at his side before the Lord stopped the storm.
then another person came to mind who wanted. Jonah. Except Jonah actually did run... he didnt get very far, but he ran! the Lord gave both of these men something that was bigger than they were. Something that they both shook in their boots about! Not to stress them out, or to scare them, but to impart a piece of his power in the midst of their weakness.
Moses wanted to run when the Lord called him.... through God's strength Moses led the israelites faithfully, and never even got to enter the promised land!
The Rich young ruler wanted to run... and in his fear of status he left an opportunity to receive an inheritance he could never build for himself.
Jamie Nielsen wants to run... but instead she is going to stand and face her fear.
I am aware that I might fail. I might make a mistake, maybe thats what I need, to see that my mistakes will not drive people away from me.
I guess when all else fails, take up the whole armor of God, and stand!
Lord impart to me a piece of your power that I might better know you as my king, and that I might serve you more faithfully and effectively as my father...
I didnt really know how to answer. I just sat that stunned how could God do this to me?! Now even He was agianst me!!! He spoke again," Jamie you have lived your entire life with me as the anchor of your soul. I have kept you safe, and taught you. I have never neglected your needs. I have not failed you... It's time we face this issue together." I stopped and closed my eyes and prayed right then and there... I prayed something that God allowed me to share with a person brief moments before... when you are fighting stop and pray and ask the Lord where to draw the line in the dirt. when you draw a line in the dirt between you and another person you place them on a side against you, but to stop most fights we simply have to realize that the line is drawn with both of us on the same side. Suddenly I was using this with the Lord. He was on my side and I needed to remember that.
So, once again I find myself wanting to run away from the intimacy of the people around me. but I am trapped. there is no escape from my fear. There is no haven from this storm. Then I thought of Peter. Peter was at a point in his life when he was trapped. He was in the middle of a sea and there was a huge storm, and he was afraid. Then to make things worse he looks out to the water and sees what the disciples believe to be a ghost. So, peter testing the spirit gets out of the boat and walks on water to it! He didn't run from his fear, he faced it. Did that stop the storm? No Peter had to walk through the crashing waves with the Lord at his side before the Lord stopped the storm.
then another person came to mind who wanted. Jonah. Except Jonah actually did run... he didnt get very far, but he ran! the Lord gave both of these men something that was bigger than they were. Something that they both shook in their boots about! Not to stress them out, or to scare them, but to impart a piece of his power in the midst of their weakness.
Moses wanted to run when the Lord called him.... through God's strength Moses led the israelites faithfully, and never even got to enter the promised land!
The Rich young ruler wanted to run... and in his fear of status he left an opportunity to receive an inheritance he could never build for himself.
Jamie Nielsen wants to run... but instead she is going to stand and face her fear.
I am aware that I might fail. I might make a mistake, maybe thats what I need, to see that my mistakes will not drive people away from me.
I guess when all else fails, take up the whole armor of God, and stand!
Lord impart to me a piece of your power that I might better know you as my king, and that I might serve you more faithfully and effectively as my father...
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
New Poem
I just wrote this, cause it is right where I am... right now!
I actually really like this one!
Its called- The fist
There is a silent battle
That rages in the night
Faces from the nightmares
Fade when faced with light
No fist could overthrow them
Victory is yet to come
In the midst of silent stillness
Are the whispered lies of one
The one whose goal is destruction
To ruin me in the end
His voice is smooth yet angry
Nothing like that of a friend
The taunting laughter rises
As he shows me what could be
The what ifs of my future
Everything that could happen to me
Gagged by mouth there’s silence
And closed eyes cannot see
Yet as laughter rises
Boldness rises in me
I was not created
To be battered and beaten down
I am not here to fight you
My mind is not your play ground
In his pride he steps forward
As I rise to my feet
In disbelief he looks around
“Are you messing with me?”
For the first time in forever
I open my mouth to him
“Maybe you’ve got this all wrong,” I say
“this fear is misdirected”
“If for one moment you knew me”
“You would recognize my name”
“and remember where you saw it written”
“on the palm of a risen king”
“For in fear I have sat night after night”
“Dreading my very past”
“Now I rise to my feet and stand here”
“I’m going to call out to my dad”
“It is not me you should fear, sir”
“it’s the fist with my name in his hand.”
I actually really like this one!
Its called- The fist
There is a silent battle
That rages in the night
Faces from the nightmares
Fade when faced with light
No fist could overthrow them
Victory is yet to come
In the midst of silent stillness
Are the whispered lies of one
The one whose goal is destruction
To ruin me in the end
His voice is smooth yet angry
Nothing like that of a friend
The taunting laughter rises
As he shows me what could be
The what ifs of my future
Everything that could happen to me
Gagged by mouth there’s silence
And closed eyes cannot see
Yet as laughter rises
Boldness rises in me
I was not created
To be battered and beaten down
I am not here to fight you
My mind is not your play ground
In his pride he steps forward
As I rise to my feet
In disbelief he looks around
“Are you messing with me?”
For the first time in forever
I open my mouth to him
“Maybe you’ve got this all wrong,” I say
“this fear is misdirected”
“If for one moment you knew me”
“You would recognize my name”
“and remember where you saw it written”
“on the palm of a risen king”
“For in fear I have sat night after night”
“Dreading my very past”
“Now I rise to my feet and stand here”
“I’m going to call out to my dad”
“It is not me you should fear, sir”
“it’s the fist with my name in his hand.”
Old Poems
A little birdy told me that she knew a few people who enjoyed reading my poetry... so I came across some poems that I had written a few years back, and decided to go ahead and post them for you all... They kinda sit deep with me... hard times, intense struggles... I dont know just enjoy them!
December 02 2005
what if we could go back?
What if we could go back?
If we could return to any time...
To relearn a lesson to change a reaction
Or even to choose a different step in life?
Would it change who we are?
Would it change who He is in us now?
If we could go back would we live more reclessly,
Only remembering tomorrow we can fix yesterday?
What would we change, where would we go?
So many things have made us today...
So many choices have sharpened and shaped
If we took one away would it alter the path?
Would it leave me less than who I am?
We are who we are, because of HIm
If we took that away what would we be then?
The rough spots all iron out in time
They're nothing compared to His plans for this life
He gave us everything He had to offer
What if He looked back and it made Him wonder,
"Should I have taken Him away?"
"Should I have given Him in the first place?"
"Was it worth these people that turn people away?"
"And yet my heart breaks cause I love them..."
What if He would've changed that one thing?
It would change who we are...
Without Him we are still nothing.
November 25 2005
the lies of lonliness
There is an ache of lonliness
that follows an echo inside
it screams loud with pain in silence
and whispers these cooling lies.
like ice on a burn that stings pain away
is this wrenching sence I have
standing in crowds of people
yet my heart is screaming loud.
in the empty space of everyday
it makes its voice familiar
to scream out loud would please it
and leaving it be, is easier.
This fear to hear it speak
is consuming my sleepless nights
it causes fear and hopelessness
and nothing will give it flight.
it remains for me yet another day
and each day thats gone before
it screams out for love and fulfillment
yet the lies it brings are ignored.
This lonley battle rages
in the midst of weakening war
there is only one question
does this battle end the war?
November 19 2005
home
My heart aches for a home
A place I have never been
There is no journey that can get me there
It lies not at any roads end.
It is not a place to lay my head
Nor a shelter from any rain
It does not know a lonliness
It does not know this pain.
No time spent searching can find it
It seems to have faded away
So many have lost hope for this homeland
Yet not I... I know I must wait.
I will open my eyes to hear laughter
and a voice that I have not known
Yet I recognize its calling
He told me I am His own.
I will not look back in regret
nor fear the things I chose;
Consumed with love I am satisfied
and finally I will be home.
December 02 2005
what if we could go back?
What if we could go back?
If we could return to any time...
To relearn a lesson to change a reaction
Or even to choose a different step in life?
Would it change who we are?
Would it change who He is in us now?
If we could go back would we live more reclessly,
Only remembering tomorrow we can fix yesterday?
What would we change, where would we go?
So many things have made us today...
So many choices have sharpened and shaped
If we took one away would it alter the path?
Would it leave me less than who I am?
We are who we are, because of HIm
If we took that away what would we be then?
The rough spots all iron out in time
They're nothing compared to His plans for this life
He gave us everything He had to offer
What if He looked back and it made Him wonder,
"Should I have taken Him away?"
"Should I have given Him in the first place?"
"Was it worth these people that turn people away?"
"And yet my heart breaks cause I love them..."
What if He would've changed that one thing?
It would change who we are...
Without Him we are still nothing.
November 25 2005
the lies of lonliness
There is an ache of lonliness
that follows an echo inside
it screams loud with pain in silence
and whispers these cooling lies.
like ice on a burn that stings pain away
is this wrenching sence I have
standing in crowds of people
yet my heart is screaming loud.
in the empty space of everyday
it makes its voice familiar
to scream out loud would please it
and leaving it be, is easier.
This fear to hear it speak
is consuming my sleepless nights
it causes fear and hopelessness
and nothing will give it flight.
it remains for me yet another day
and each day thats gone before
it screams out for love and fulfillment
yet the lies it brings are ignored.
This lonley battle rages
in the midst of weakening war
there is only one question
does this battle end the war?
November 19 2005
home
My heart aches for a home
A place I have never been
There is no journey that can get me there
It lies not at any roads end.
It is not a place to lay my head
Nor a shelter from any rain
It does not know a lonliness
It does not know this pain.
No time spent searching can find it
It seems to have faded away
So many have lost hope for this homeland
Yet not I... I know I must wait.
I will open my eyes to hear laughter
and a voice that I have not known
Yet I recognize its calling
He told me I am His own.
I will not look back in regret
nor fear the things I chose;
Consumed with love I am satisfied
and finally I will be home.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Family...
Holding on tightly to a dream that has not been
Desiring the impossible; taking it to the end
Fighting to grab the invisble
Making it my own
Efforts fail endlessly; no hope
The call of surrender rings louder
than any call Ive ever heard
He doesnt command obedience
My child He said Surrender
With hands clenched tightly
To that which cannot be owned
I looked at Him helplessly
my heart ached; alone
Recognizing failure
I fell down on my knees
He touched my heart
and comfort flooded over me
I looked in his eyes
He peired into my soul
Seeing my desire
Yet desiring to make me whole
You cannot create from nothing
that which has not been
Trust me my child
For this will be in the end
I stood in His strength
He held my shoulders
and turned me slowly
to look at what He wanted to show me
everything I had not expected
Better than what I desired it to be
Family is not created
It is given; effortlessly
Desiring the impossible; taking it to the end
Fighting to grab the invisble
Making it my own
Efforts fail endlessly; no hope
The call of surrender rings louder
than any call Ive ever heard
He doesnt command obedience
My child He said Surrender
With hands clenched tightly
To that which cannot be owned
I looked at Him helplessly
my heart ached; alone
Recognizing failure
I fell down on my knees
He touched my heart
and comfort flooded over me
I looked in his eyes
He peired into my soul
Seeing my desire
Yet desiring to make me whole
You cannot create from nothing
that which has not been
Trust me my child
For this will be in the end
I stood in His strength
He held my shoulders
and turned me slowly
to look at what He wanted to show me
everything I had not expected
Better than what I desired it to be
Family is not created
It is given; effortlessly
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
GRRR
There is a loss for words right now. I am disappointed in myself. I hate that there are some things no matter how hard you try and no matter how much effort you put into it for success you just are not meant to do certain things.
And can I just say that I hate how much cheerleading consumes my life sometimes! It's like the order of importance in Jamie's life is God, cheer, school... People must think I am out of my mind cuz who the heck writes blogs about what is going on in cheerleading! No one cause in the end does cheer really matter? I dont think it's even about cheer as much as it is that that's where I pour my efforts. Good, better, best... never let it rest... until your good is better and your better best!
I had myself so ready mentally for tonight. I was going to be more solid than I have ever been... And I got there and I put my foot down like 4 times on my lib... and they tell me I am solid, they got me, they are not moving under me... then why cant I be solid? Why can't I smile when I'm in the air! I feel like I'm only in the air cause Im skinny... I'm just tired of being the one who is not good enough, or still messes up... everyone else is solid... how come Jamie is still wiggleing all over the place? It's like I cant handle the pressure and its not even the pressure from everyone else; it's the pressure from myself. I want to be the best i can be, and I just feel like sometimes no matter how hard I try I can't be good enough!
sigh... I dont know... I dont even really know why I am writing this... maybe just to vent. I piss myself off!
And can I just say that I hate how much cheerleading consumes my life sometimes! It's like the order of importance in Jamie's life is God, cheer, school... People must think I am out of my mind cuz who the heck writes blogs about what is going on in cheerleading! No one cause in the end does cheer really matter? I dont think it's even about cheer as much as it is that that's where I pour my efforts. Good, better, best... never let it rest... until your good is better and your better best!
I had myself so ready mentally for tonight. I was going to be more solid than I have ever been... And I got there and I put my foot down like 4 times on my lib... and they tell me I am solid, they got me, they are not moving under me... then why cant I be solid? Why can't I smile when I'm in the air! I feel like I'm only in the air cause Im skinny... I'm just tired of being the one who is not good enough, or still messes up... everyone else is solid... how come Jamie is still wiggleing all over the place? It's like I cant handle the pressure and its not even the pressure from everyone else; it's the pressure from myself. I want to be the best i can be, and I just feel like sometimes no matter how hard I try I can't be good enough!
sigh... I dont know... I dont even really know why I am writing this... maybe just to vent. I piss myself off!
I love these girls. I think back to the begining of our team... tryouts, how nervous everyone was... then reading the list of girls who made it and having no idea who they were... then coming to camp and spending a week of frustration and sweat with them. Working towards what? no one really knew... we just knew we wanted to be good... So that Jesus would be glorified! and well, we worked our butts off... literally! And we are doing more than I think we ever would have imagined... and the best part... we aren't done yet!
Good Better Best
Never let it rest
Until your good gets better
and your better best!
Let's work it ladies!
Monday, December 3, 2007
consumed
Well, yesterday a good friend of mine made a mistake that has not happened in a long time... she gave me iced tea... the bad part was that it was good iced tea... it was full of ceffeine... so I drank my tea at about 2 pm and at about 2 am I was still kickin full of it! even this morning I could still feel the effects of the stuff! Moral of the story... dont give Jamie caffeine!
anyway, I realized something about myself today. I always find myself in a cycle that leads back to this low point of asking the question who am I? Who am I? I struggle with this overwhelming frustration of not being able to share my story, because I dont know who I am. I dont know what defines me. I can give you all the Bible verses of what defines me; that i am hidden in Christ, that I am complete in Him. but I am being real here when I say that He has given us all gifts and abilities and characteristics that set us apart from one another. So, who am I?
Then i realized something. I have always defined myself by the other people. by my brother, by my parents, by my friends and my teammates. But I am not them. I am, me.
So I guess it flowed over from yesterdays lesson of being the best we can be at what we do. I was thinking about the things I struggle with and how they speak into who I am. because my struggle shows a lot of my heart. I live boldly and love deeply. I sing in the shower. I am adventerous. Why is that so wierd, because those things all have a direct struggle that is attached to them. I am scared of commitment and scared of receiving love, because I am afraid of rejection and being let down. I am scared to sing in the shower because people might insult my praise. I am afraid of the unknown because I might get hurt. Fear is once again holding back all of the things that I so deeply desire.
Satan wraps a rope of fear around each specific that speaks in to who I am. He does not want me to be me, because if I were free to be me, I might have an effect on the people around me, and then I might create change for the kingdom of God, and place praise where praise is due. At the feet of throne of Christ!
My challenge is this. You are hidden Christ, and you are complete in Him, but realize that your life is hidden in Him, that does not mean that when you come to Him you stop living... it means you thrive all the more in who you are knowing that He fills in where you lack. That His strength is made perfect in your weakness...
Satan will lie directly to the areas of our lives where we might be bold and confident to hold us back from accomplishing great things for the kingdom...
Faith is not tame it is raw... It is faith that overcomes the world... 1 John 5:4-5
John the Baptised.. Martin Luther... they were not educated nor crafted or taught how to create necessary change. they had faith... believeing in what was not and stepped out to make it seen... Fiath is to believe in what you can not see the reward for faith is to see what you believe.
AW Tozer was a self taught theologian; raw untamed passion that Christ used for an amazing worldwide impact...
I want that kind of passion... raw and untamed... even to change and impact the life of one person!
anyway, I realized something about myself today. I always find myself in a cycle that leads back to this low point of asking the question who am I? Who am I? I struggle with this overwhelming frustration of not being able to share my story, because I dont know who I am. I dont know what defines me. I can give you all the Bible verses of what defines me; that i am hidden in Christ, that I am complete in Him. but I am being real here when I say that He has given us all gifts and abilities and characteristics that set us apart from one another. So, who am I?
Then i realized something. I have always defined myself by the other people. by my brother, by my parents, by my friends and my teammates. But I am not them. I am, me.
So I guess it flowed over from yesterdays lesson of being the best we can be at what we do. I was thinking about the things I struggle with and how they speak into who I am. because my struggle shows a lot of my heart. I live boldly and love deeply. I sing in the shower. I am adventerous. Why is that so wierd, because those things all have a direct struggle that is attached to them. I am scared of commitment and scared of receiving love, because I am afraid of rejection and being let down. I am scared to sing in the shower because people might insult my praise. I am afraid of the unknown because I might get hurt. Fear is once again holding back all of the things that I so deeply desire.
Satan wraps a rope of fear around each specific that speaks in to who I am. He does not want me to be me, because if I were free to be me, I might have an effect on the people around me, and then I might create change for the kingdom of God, and place praise where praise is due. At the feet of throne of Christ!
My challenge is this. You are hidden Christ, and you are complete in Him, but realize that your life is hidden in Him, that does not mean that when you come to Him you stop living... it means you thrive all the more in who you are knowing that He fills in where you lack. That His strength is made perfect in your weakness...
Satan will lie directly to the areas of our lives where we might be bold and confident to hold us back from accomplishing great things for the kingdom...
Faith is not tame it is raw... It is faith that overcomes the world... 1 John 5:4-5
John the Baptised.. Martin Luther... they were not educated nor crafted or taught how to create necessary change. they had faith... believeing in what was not and stepped out to make it seen... Fiath is to believe in what you can not see the reward for faith is to see what you believe.
AW Tozer was a self taught theologian; raw untamed passion that Christ used for an amazing worldwide impact...
I want that kind of passion... raw and untamed... even to change and impact the life of one person!
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Scattered thoughts
So, as I was sitting here trying to study I am completely distracted... which as you all know is not too difficult to believe for me. :) I am always distracted. Today i am distracted with things that are more burdensome than normal. I am stuck on my lack of excellence.
Not just my lack of excellence, but Christian's in general. When did it become ok to not strive to be the best at what we were doing? To live "normal" lives. If the world, apart from God, strives to make themselves succeed for their own greatness, then why dont we as Christians strive to be excellent to make the greatness of God known?
At a christian University I am taken back by the amount of studying that is done of what other people have studied about the Bible. It goes back so many generations... this person studied from this person who studied from this person... but was it not the holy spirit who gave the original thought and application. Was it not the Holy Spirit who gave the words to write the Bible in the first place?! Do we not have that Holy Spirit inside of us? So, then why do we not make the efforts to pursue Christ in such a way that would drive us to study and read on our own?
This at the moment flows over into my perspective of cheerleading... why am I afraid to be great at something?
Why do I live under a fear of being excellent? Should I not pursue that so that my excellence might be attributed to Christ's power in me?
I don't want to live my life bound by fear. Fear is such a debilitating obsession. it consumes not only what your choices are about situtaions, but who you are in those situations. I am sick of being afraid. I want to be bold. I want to be excellent for the sake of the one who has shown excellence for me.
Not just my lack of excellence, but Christian's in general. When did it become ok to not strive to be the best at what we were doing? To live "normal" lives. If the world, apart from God, strives to make themselves succeed for their own greatness, then why dont we as Christians strive to be excellent to make the greatness of God known?
At a christian University I am taken back by the amount of studying that is done of what other people have studied about the Bible. It goes back so many generations... this person studied from this person who studied from this person... but was it not the holy spirit who gave the original thought and application. Was it not the Holy Spirit who gave the words to write the Bible in the first place?! Do we not have that Holy Spirit inside of us? So, then why do we not make the efforts to pursue Christ in such a way that would drive us to study and read on our own?
This at the moment flows over into my perspective of cheerleading... why am I afraid to be great at something?
Why do I live under a fear of being excellent? Should I not pursue that so that my excellence might be attributed to Christ's power in me?
I don't want to live my life bound by fear. Fear is such a debilitating obsession. it consumes not only what your choices are about situtaions, but who you are in those situations. I am sick of being afraid. I want to be bold. I want to be excellent for the sake of the one who has shown excellence for me.
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